| Author | Message | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4827 Registered: 11-1998 |
Clawfooted Tub _________________________________________________ REVISION:
ORIGINAL:
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| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1142 Registered: 11-2003 |
I like this alot two things didn't feel right "kinetics" and I think I'd end it slightly sooner. Perahps after the "what she would tell me to do" or water to cool. I think we need a shiver in the ending and you've explained the torque nicer above. regardless solid poem enjoyed laurie | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2664 Registered: 07-2002 |
M--This is chilling and your linebreaks--ahhhh--lovely.  Some comments: Though my fingers redden, the water is too cold to bathe. No amount of torque on the hot water tap changes temperature or flow. I run to the basement once again, clang pipes with a wrench like a jailbird. The damn water heater sighs, exasperated. The opening 'though' is not needed--I think that sentence makes more sense starting with "My fingers. . . and use a semicolon between that phrase and 'the water is too cold. . . It’s been weeks since the ambulance, days since the burial, mere moments since I pulled my wife’s hand from the pool of cooled bathwater, limp like a wilted lettuce frond; veins of that leaf are flattened roads on an outmoded map. Blue-green, bisecting, bitter. Wonderful sound and rhythm in that final line! I have seen no one, eaten little, bathed not at all. The crush of dresses to give away, paperwork to file, drugs to flush down the plumbing has kept me full like popcorn in an empty gut. I am constant kinetics, a streetcar on a circular city route slowing to collect afflictions like passengers. The nail on my thumb Wonderful image of the streetcar on a circular track has some sort of fungus. I must wash because I smell. I must scrub to go out. I must be clean to live with myself. I should bathe because that’s what she would tell me to do. But the water is too cold to bathe today, no amount of torque on the hot water tap will change the temperature or force. my favorite line break in this stanza--I must be clean to live/with myself. Am in agreement with Laurie about the end not being the 'shiver' it needs. I would like something to cap it after 'what she would tell me to do', but not sure what image would be just right for this. Maybe something that references the clawfooted tub? xo ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Dan Cox
New member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 21 Registered: 08-2005 |
A very effective portrait of (male)grief and how our average daily activities actually invest objects with profound emotional meaning for those around us. I especially like S2 with its emotional perceptions of time and the lettuce frond simile. Disagree with ljc on the opening "Though", I think it has to stay to convey numbness (though hot, the water still feels cold.) I also like your use of the cold language of physics in this piece. (torque, kinetics, temperature, flow, force). Agree that ending is not dramatic, but I think that's appropriate to this poor man's numbing experience of grief. Also like the description of his tasks and the (understandable) aversion to bathing. | ||
| Penelope
New member Username: penelope Post Number: 24 Registered: 07-2005 |
M, I especially like S3, with the contrasts of discard/empty and full/collecting and how they both ultimately define his emptiness. Powerful images and powerful effect. The poem speaks of grief as I know it so it transcends the speaker's gender as well. | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 1853 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi M I do like this very much although it seems to me that it starts to get prosey halfway through and to lose some of the tension and urgency with which you start. I feel that the impetus starts to be lost with the stanza beginning-- I have seen no one, eaten little, bathed not at all. The crush of dresses to give away, paperwork to file, drugs to flush down the plumbing has kept me full like popcorn in an empty gut. You then say, "I am constant / kinetics" -- but this is a telling line rather than shown to us, and again I don't feel the action or gravity you described so well in the first two stanzas. The following seems prosey and not as tight as the beginning of the poem, more a list of things that need attending to: . . . . The nail on my thumb has some sort of fungus. I must wash because I smell. I must scrub to go out. I must be clean to live with myself. I should bathe because that’s what she would tell me to do. But the water is too cold to bathe today, no amount of torque on the hot water tap will change temperature or force. The repetition of the beginning of the poem at the end is a bit of a disappointment and in all I would wish you could end the poem with the bravura flourish with which you begin it in the fine opening two stanzas. I have sense that the last two stanzas, with their almost by rote list of things to do, are meant to show the disorientation and unhinged mind of the speaker, now that the deceased loved one has gone. Is that your intention? If that is what you mean to convey, I think more is needed perhaps to show the loss of sanity. Right now it comes across as just mainly a list of domestic tasks. Good luck in finalizing this promising poem, M. All my best Chris (Message edited by Chrisgeorge on August 12, 2005) Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Denis M. Garrison
Advanced Member Username: denismgarrison Post Number: 532 Registered: 01-2005 |
M, Powerfully emotional, all the more so for the seeming flatness of emotion. Others have commented in detail; let me just say that the listing of painful but necessary tasks is a power source in this poem. These are the realities that we find post-tragedy; little jobs that are realer than dirt and half as attractive. Very well done. Kudos!  bw, Denis www.dmgar.com Visit Haiku Harvest at www.haikuharvest.net Visit Loch Raven Review at www.lochravenreview.com My books are available at www.lulu.com/denismgarrison | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1517 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dearest M, I'm on board with Lisa and Laurie. Many detailed thoughts already expressed. I'm for the detail in S3, was pulled in by the question of drugs. Stumbled over the simile of popcorn though. For me it didn't belong in this movie. The ending on she would tell me to do feels right. You could tweak with a turn toward the claw foot if need be. Startling and sad. Love, E | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 102 Registered: 05-2005 |
ok i'm going to wade in here in the opening line we know something is amiss, the water is hot enought to redden his fingers yet still too cold. hmm. he runs up and down the basement stairs, a circular route, a trapped route which is echoed later in the streetcar. he is concentrating on fixing things, i imagine him holding onto that wrench throughout the action (nice double meaning on wrench as well). i think 'limp like a wilted lettuce leaf' is too much spoonfeeding, prefer 'limp like wilted lettuce.' i like the reference to popcorn both in its form as a simile (how uncomfortable it is to only have popcorn in the stomach) and to the idea that this is all this poor fellow has had to eat. i wondered about the symbolic nature of the fungus, why he doesn't try and clean it away. i get the idea he doesn't really know why he can't take a bath, so caught up in his list of things to do that he has subsumed all emotional reaction and it is surfacing in unlikely places, hence the fungus. then three phrases using wash, scrub and clean, that all pretty much mean the same thing, so we have the circular thing again. then the repeated phrase at the end, interesting you add 'will' and instead of 'flow' you choose 'force' hmm. this is the final circle of the piece yet a small change, as if slowly the grief is surfacing and soon will gush out. the word force is redundant of 'torque' yet you use it anyway, as if he is forcing himself to hold together, forcing the emotion away. he is on the edge of losing it and yet has no clue. my final image is of him standing, staring at the water pouring into the tub, absently fondling his wrench. interesting you chose to write from a male point of view, the language is repressed and mostly uses words a man would use. i'm thinking that this is still a bit too measured. i see you have one contraction 'it's' but you avoided them in other places, i.e., 'I am' as opposed to "I'm" i think men use more contractions-- are more expedient in their use of language so i'd look at putting more of those in. also, a few word choices, i do like 'gut', 'jailbird' and 'damn water heater' but hmm, 'kinetics', or 'frond' not sure about those. also, 'drugs to flush down the plumbing' i think most men would go ahead and just say 'toilet.' 'nail on my thumb' consider 'thumbnail' as usual, you have very nice assonance, consonance, alliteration throughout: limp, lettuce, leaf pool, cooled paperwork, kept, popcorn, constant, kinetics, car, circular, collect, afflictions -- all those hard 'c's' run, once, crush, flush, plumbing, drugs, gut, thumb, fungus.. all those 'uh' sounds, nice. excellent metaphor, linebreaks as mentioned above, and voice. hope this helps. s | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1771 Registered: 12-2003 |
M, You can completely disagree with me after you read this, but choppier lines might convey the emotional pitch of this better..... something like: My fingers redden. The water is too cold to bathe. No amount of torque on the hot water tap changes temperature or flow. I run to the basement, clang the pipes with a wrench. The water heater sighs a last breath. It’s weeks since the ambulance, days since the burial, moments since I pulled my wife from the tub. Her hand was limp as wilted lettuce, veins flat as roads on a fold-out map-- blue, bisecting, bitter. I see no one, eat little, haven’t bathed. The crush of dresses to give away, drugs to flush keep me full like popcorn in an empty gut. (this part seems weaker than the rest) I am a streetcar that collects afflictions like passengers. Beneath the nail on my thumb some sort of fungus grows. I must wash because I smell. I must scrub to go out. I must be clean to live with myself. I should bathe. That’s what she would tell me to do. But the water is too cold to bathe today. No amount of torque on the tap can change the temperature or the force. I'll probably get a round of boos for this, but just trying to present an alternative. Your, 007 My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit The Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2322 Registered: 12-2003 |
M, I can't offer any critique here that hasn't already been given. I will say that I saw the symptoms of depression all over in this piece. Not eating, not bathing, focusing on the mundane tasks to get through the hours, and how everything feels heavy and unimportant. K | ||
| Cary
Valued Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 186 Registered: 07-2005 |
M... Solid write. I like how you've conveyed that although the man-widow has scalded his fingers in the bath water, it still feels an unshakeable cold. To him, bath water will always be ice and temperature has nothing to do with it. Although the streetcar and the popcorn belly are fresh and interesting, it strays from the very solid water, hygiene theme. In essence, it slightly waters down the theme. Still, I can quite enjoy this just as it is. Cary... | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4839 Registered: 11-1998 |
Oh, Lawdy, Lawdy! You wonderful, lovely, talented, terrific people have so many different directions and takes on this, it's fairly well making my head spin like what's-her-name in the Exorcist. *LOL* Some want this, some want that, and some want the other thing. It's just one poem, folks -- I don't think I can please you all. Most of you have given me very fine suggestions and I will use them in the revision. The only thing I hesitate to change is that ending. To those of you who requested a shiver in the end, I wasn't really trying to provide that. I wanted more of a low-down quaking feeling. The reason I chose to repeat the beginning was to give the reader a chance to read it again with all the knowledge that the middle verses provide. In the beginning, I wanted the reader to assume this is just some person who has a faulty bathtub. Nothing very upsetting there, nothing under the surface. However, the second time you read those words, you can't help but interpret them with new meaning -- a death, a loss, has occurred here that makes the words a bit more emotionally charged. I also wanted to portray the fact that this poor man is stuck in an endless loop. This is not the first time he has tried to bathe, nor will it be his last. Imagine how hard it would be to bathe at all after what happened, much less bathe in the same bathtub where your spouse died. And in typical male fashion (no insult, boys, but you are less emotional), he'd rather distract himself with something physical (broken faucet/pipes) he thinks he can fix, than deal with the emotional breakdown connected to grief. If I do not repeat or I come up with some other ending, the circle that is madness is broken. I will go away and think some more on all that you folks have given me so generously and with so much heart. Oh, and just as a teaser, this poem has something to do with next week's Creativity Challenge. I will not say more, but get ready -- it's a good one! Love, M | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 962 Registered: 11-2003 |
to add: of that frond not needed, I believe. Yes, superb line breaks, esp in the 2nd The repetition I find effective - brackets, makes a full (yet unfulfilled) circle (that doesn't come clean), and the 2nd time is symbolism earned by the experience of the poem. MV | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 964 Registered: 11-2003 |
and to add, b/c I forgot The title is metaphorically correct great Michael (MV) | ||
| Lori
Senior Member Username: lori Post Number: 278 Registered: 11-1998 |
Hi M (: I am sorry, I offer no crit--but then again, I never do (: I read, I enjoyed, I thought. Thanks M. Love, Lori | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4844 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thank you so much, MV, for stopping by and offering your opinions. Yes, that frond seems to get on many people's nerves, so I have rephrased it. Glad you concur with my vision of the end. Ah, I was wondering if someone would see the claw in the title. I should have known it would be you. Dear Lori -- no crit necessary, hon. Just to know that you read and you comtemplated is more than enough satisfaction for me. *smile* Love, M | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2649 Registered: 09-2002 |
M, I can't crit either and add to all those voices though it was fun to read them. I find the subject of grief fascinating and found much to think about in your poem. Thanks. Best, Kathryn | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4852 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thank you so much for reading my work, Kathryn. Your words were quite thoughtful. Yes, there is no end to what can be found in grief, I think. Love, M | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1101 Registered: 11-2004 |
Sorry to be so late M.... my computer is ailing so am using a slooooow laptop. Anyway~ We only get a few nuggets from you, so of course we all get pretty excited when we see your work. It never disappoints. This was no exception. A haunting piece that echoes the shock and surreal feelings that come after a loss. I leave the crit to those more qualified. thank you. take care~dale | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 1571 Registered: 12-2003 |
...visiting old friends last week... the new wife away... her father dying... the faucet of loss flowing again...pounding the wrench on pipes... he gives me a hug, "I love you man!"... I know... you were there for my Dad,... our Dad... this is fine, M | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4868 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Dale -- I don't know that I live up to that praise of yours (never disappoints), but I do try. Your opinions and thoughts are always so fulfilling. Thank you so very much. Dearest julius -- your small story touched my heart. Seems you know what I wrote in my poem up close and personal. Thank you for sharing that with me. A "fine" from you is great praise! Love, M |
